The Art of Cross-Cultural Love

In recent years my wife and I found ourselves facing what seemed like a simple decision: where to spend Christmas Day. It has proved to be a delicate dance between direct and indirect communication. It’s an annual moment that highlights how our different cultural approaches to problem-solving can either divide us or draw us closer together. 

These moments have taught us that cross-cultural marriage isn't as simple as love conquering all - it's about a love that’s willing to learn as well. Early in our relationship, we thought understanding each other's holidays and food preferences was enough. But as life grew more complex, we realized we needed a deeper approach to bridging our cultural gaps. The lessons we are learning aren’t limited to marriage. They can help build bridges in all kinds of cross-cultural relationships.  

The turning point should have come during a conversation with my mum, soon after we got engaged. She recognised the potential challenges of intercultural relationships and asked whether we’d considered this. At the time I defensively dismissed her question. I remember saying that, since we were all one in Christ, cultural differences were irrelevant. But I now realise that being one Christ doesn’t style afro hair, provide counsel for racist comments or help teenagers navigate the identity confusion of multiple ethnic heritages. These challenges are relativised by Christ but aren’t completely removed.  

Thankfully marriage preparation was a chance to get talking - really talking - about everything. Not just the surface-level cultural differences, but the deeper stuff: how we viewed money, how we would raise children, what family obligations meant to each of us. These conversations weren't always comfortable, but they were crucial. In retrospect, we probably underestimated the impact that the opinions of our relatives would have on our outlook and daily decisions.  

But understanding our own dynamics wasn't enough. We needed to learn from others too. Recently a couple considering adopting a child from another ethnicity approached us for advice. I wish that we’d had the same foresight and opportunity in our early days. We did learn from books though. Floella Benjamin’s “My Two Grannies” is just one example that highlighted the tension and blessing of having grandparents from Trinidad and Barnsley! Over time, through stories written and shared, we’ve learned strategies we'd never considered. 

What emerged from these experiences was something unexpected - a unique hybrid culture of our own. We created new traditions that borrowed from both our backgrounds while adding elements unique to us. Our home became a place where our values didn't fight for dominance but danced together in harmony. During festivals, we blend traditions, creating celebrations that honor both our heritages while forming something distinctly ours. 

Perhaps most importantly, we've learned to anticipate cultural flashpoints before they ignite. When planning major life events or making significant decisions, we now pause to consider the cultural lenses we're both looking through. This proactive approach has transformed potential conflicts into opportunities for deeper understanding. 

The beauty of this journey lies not in eliminating our differences but in how we navigate them together. Each challenge becomes an opportunity to build stronger bridges between our worlds. Like architects designing a structure that must withstand various weather conditions, we've learned to create a relationship that's both flexible and strong. 

As I write this, we have just eaten a Caribbean lunch that my wife cooked - flying fish, macaroni pie and peas. One of my daughters made cheesecake. We prayed in a style that could have been from a puritan prayer book. In cross-cultural relationships, the goal isn't to erase our differences but to weave them into a stronger, more beautiful tapestry. 

You could summarise the steps I’ve got in mind with the mnemonic CLIME: clarifying potential challenges, learning how to navigate cultural differences generally, inviting others with experience into conversation, building a new culture by merging people’s backgrounds, and engaging early to address potential problems before they escalate.  

This journey has taught us that cross-cultural love isn't just about bridging two worlds - it's about building a new one together, one careful step at a time. 

Jason Roach